I just read my good friend Traci's blog...and it made me pause. She is so right. I have spent my life amid the same circumstances. Overweight. Looking out for others over myself. Focusing on the wrong things. I need to refocus. But I have to be honest...
I am wowed by Traci's candor and by her ability to hone in on what she needs to do. I am disappointed by my own ability to make changes in my life. I am not a stupid person. I know what it is I need to do. There are many changes worth making. I would go so far as to say there are many changes that are now necessary to make....imperative to make....
I had someone come up to me at a church brunch this weekend, and she crouched next to my chair. Giddily, she took my hand and said she didn't know I was expecting...how exciting....Well...I am not expecting. I am overweight. Now, my first reaction was to want to cry (how mortifying!). My second reaction was disbelief (how could a woman....also very overweight...ask me such a question!?). My final reaction was shame. There are so many words that came to my mind to describe myself. Disgusting. Fat. Ugly. I look in the mirror every day. While in the bathroom, I see myself from the chest up. I don't see what other people see. I know I am overweight, but I don't see the extent of it. That is a problem. I must be in denial. I must not know how bad it really is. Not until I see a picture, that is. That makes it real. That makes it stick.
My problem is I don't make the changes. I don't know why. I don't want to look like this. I don't want to be embarrassed by others' looks or comments. I don't want to embarrass my family or friends when I am with them.
I know who I want to be. I want to be the person I think I see in the mirror. I want to be the person on the outside who exemplifies the qualities I know I possess on the inside. Why can't I do it??? That is my frustration. I need help. That's the only thing I can come up with at this point. If I don't get it, I don't know what will happen to me.

Seeks has spoken.