I just read my good friend Traci's blog...and it made me pause. She is so right. I have spent my life amid the same circumstances. Overweight. Looking out for others over myself. Focusing on the wrong things. I need to refocus. But I have to be honest...
I am wowed by Traci's candor and by her ability to hone in on what she needs to do. I am disappointed by my own ability to make changes in my life. I am not a stupid person. I know what it is I need to do. There are many changes worth making. I would go so far as to say there are many changes that are now necessary to make....imperative to make....
I had someone come up to me at a church brunch this weekend, and she crouched next to my chair. Giddily, she took my hand and said she didn't know I was expecting...how exciting....Well...I am not expecting. I am overweight. Now, my first reaction was to want to cry (how mortifying!). My second reaction was disbelief (how could a woman....also very overweight...ask me such a question!?). My final reaction was shame. There are so many words that came to my mind to describe myself. Disgusting. Fat. Ugly. I look in the mirror every day. While in the bathroom, I see myself from the chest up. I don't see what other people see. I know I am overweight, but I don't see the extent of it. That is a problem. I must be in denial. I must not know how bad it really is. Not until I see a picture, that is. That makes it real. That makes it stick.
My problem is I don't make the changes. I don't know why. I don't want to look like this. I don't want to be embarrassed by others' looks or comments. I don't want to embarrass my family or friends when I am with them.
I know who I want to be. I want to be the person I think I see in the mirror. I want to be the person on the outside who exemplifies the qualities I know I possess on the inside. Why can't I do it??? That is my frustration. I need help. That's the only thing I can come up with at this point. If I don't get it, I don't know what will happen to me.
Seeks has spoken.
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- You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you will join us and the world will live as one.
2 comments:
Most people have changes that they should make in their lives, you're not the only one, and you're not the only one who knows that they should & still doesn't. I know I've said this before, but you have soooo many wonderful qualities, and your size is so far down the list of what people think about you.
You sure as hell aren't ugly or disgusting or embarrassing to be around!
I'm sorry, but that woman is an idiot. I had someone ask me "when I was due" back when I was a cashier in a grocery store & I was a size 8 or 10 at the time, that woman too was an idiot. What I'm trying to say is that it's not necessarily just your size that caused her to say that. Some people are just morons.
Yes, you'd be healthier at a lower weight & losing weight would be great for you mentally & physically, but it's not what we see when we look at you. I do think it would be good for you to start taking small steps toward a healthier life style. More importantly, I hope that you can do exactly what I told Traci to do. Look at yourself through my eyes, it's an incredible view. I love you Kelly.
Amy's right. that woman was an idiot. i've been overweight my whole life. struggling with those same images and words that children and adults have said to me for over 40 years. only when i realized that i was OK as i was, that i am a great woman, loving, smart, funny, compassionate and loved in return for who i am, not WHAT am i, was i able to make the change.
i just quietly signed up for weight watchers online. i never attended a meeting, i just charted my progress online. AND - key point, i didn't beat myself up if i ate ice cream or some other treat. i just started over each morning. i didn't tell many people either, that way i didn't have to explain if i didn't lose anything. and i lost 40 lbs. i did it for ME. no one else, not society, not my gf at the time, not my family, (who are almost all overweight too).
that's when it works. when you know you are already beautiful - and i can tell you are, because i come here and read your blog!
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